Better
by suninmyeyes
Summary: oneshot songfic. . .malex. . .yeah, enjoy!


_i fell in love with this song by toby lightman (yes, that's a girl) and just really had to write about it. . .i ended up doing a malex fic for it. . . so here it is. . .its pretty simple. . .and actually this story is so contained that it could be any two people as long as one was a girl. . . but you is Marissa and i_ _is Alex. . .so, basically the story is in Alex's POV. . .i really liked this story. . .which is surprising . . . because i usaully get mad at my stories at one point or another. . .but i just sat down and wrote this in like an hour. . . i don't really have any experience with the stuff this story is about, but. . .anyway. . .enjoy!_

_-sun_

_italics are the song. . . but you already knew that_

The sky was so black, so big and infinite and full of possibilities, none of which you felt like you could achieve. You felt trapped, caught in a descision that you had already made. A descision that could be changed, but you couldn't change it. No, you wouldn't change it. Your hand went to your stomach, a habit you had slowly been developing in the past weeks. I had noticed it, but hadn't said anything. Not yet. Your three months along.' you repeated the doctor's words to me. Three months. 'A boy.' He had told you. Your mind had raced through thoughts and you told me every single one of them. Jumbled words and fragments that barely made sense. You loved that little boy so much already. You wouldn't give him up, you wouldn't, you couldn't. I knew this the moment you arrived on my doorstep. And when you told me, I wasn't surprised.

We walked down that strip of beach behind my house and I didn't feel like I could say anything to comfort you. But you took my hand and I remembered who you were and what we had and that sometimes we don't need words at all. Or, we didn't used to need words. But, since that day. . .neither of us really know what we need, much less what we want. I knew one thing though. I knew I would never let you go, never give up on you. And I knew what you were going through, because I had helped someone through the same thing. And then, I knew what to say.

_he'll be enough to make you cry_

_he'll be enough to open your eyes_

_to all the little things that make this world better_

your eyes turned to me and your grip tightened and i offered you a comforting, real smile. you couldn't seem to return it. i tried to forget that the boy you carried was his, but i couldn't, and the smile faded from my mouth. you knew what i was thinking. you told me that it was after us, but i couldn't think of the two of you . . .i couldn't. i intertwined my fingers with yours and you pulled away a bit. i watched you. it hurt, but you were right. we were over, not supposed to be doing this. but i knew you couldn't deal. i knew this and so i pulled you close again.

_he'll give you love you never knew_

_he'll give his heart only to you_

_and he'll make your life better_

i know you felt unwanted, not needed; but honey, i need you like i need air and i want you more than anything in this world. you knew that once, and you have to know that now. some things don't change. i know he'll need you more than i ever have. you'll be his everything and he'll be yours. i know. and because you are my everything, i'll help you be his.

_so when he comes to you in the middle of the night_

_cause he's scared to be alone in the dark_

_you'll tell him everything is gonna alright_

i know you can do it, and i tell you this. you smile and say thanks, but i know you don't believe it. i stop you, put my hands on your face and look you in the eyes. for a moment i forget what i'm going to say, so distracting are your eyes. i force myself to focus. another day, another time, i would have kissed you. but not now. too many things have happened. i tell you again that you can do it and something in your eyes tells me that you believe it. . . or maybe you've just gotten really good at lying to me. you look to the ocean and make a promise to your tiny child.

_cause_

_i will be your light_

_i will be your night_

_i will be that star in the sky who watches over you_

i can't help but wrap my arms around you. you look so terrified, but so strong and i just want you to even stronger and more than anything, safe. it will take time though, and i don't have too much of that left. you don't know yet, but i suppose you'll find out soon. gossip travels fast in Newport, especially about one of the hottest new surfers. you'll be mad that i didn't tell you, but i can't tell you. i can't hurt you. you melt in my arms, murmuring uncertainities. i could promise you lies of safety and perfection, but sometimes the perfect is within the imperfect.

_you'll tell him everything you know_

_you'll tell him "oh the place you'll go_

_so you can be a good man and make this world better."_

you pull away and your hand goes to your stomach again. a look of pure joy on your face makes me smile. you take my hand and put it on your stomach. i feel the kicking and you laugh out loud. i love your laugh and the way it comes so freely. or used to come so freely. you say that you don't feel good enough to have him and i tell you that your good enough to have everything. everything.

_you'll give him all the love you have_

_even when he makes you so mad_

_keep in mind, that he made your life better_

i consider telling you what i found out at the hospital last week, but i know that now is not the time. now is definitely not the time. you slide of your shoes and pull your skirt down. next goes your shirt. you grin at me and dive in the water. we've done this so many times, yet it seems different now. we did it when we were friends and when we were lovers, but now, we're not either. we're closer to each other than anyone else, but farther away than i can hardly bear to imagine.

_so when he comes to you and he's so confused_

_because he wants to give his heart to another_

_you'll tell him everything's gonna be just fine_

i dive in as well and look ahead to the years to come. will i be here? will i hold your son after he is born? will i even make it to your third trimester? i push those thoughts away and focus only on the now. i'm getting good at it. you come way too close to me and my heart starts to race. you have that effect on me. you don't do anything, just laugh and step out of the water. i follow you and you pull on my shirt, causing me to raise my eyebrows. you tell me something about not getting your brand new top wet, but i see you smell my shirt. i've had it for years and years so it does smell like me. i can't say anything, because your tank lies in my dresser in my apartment.

_cause i will be your light_

_i will be your night_

_i will be that star in the sky who watches over you_

we start to walk toward the apartment and your eyes are shining and your hand is on your stomach. you look nervous, so nervous, so i take your hand and smile, asking you what the problem is. you shake your head, explaining that its stupid, but i give you a look. nothing you think is stupid. suddenly you break. tears fall from your eyes and i am left shock shelled. my hands go to your face and i kiss away your tears. an old habit that as sure as hell shouldn't be doing, but neither of us pulls away. i wonder at your sudden showing of your soul. i'd forgotten how emotional pregnant women are. your original question is forgotten and another plauges you. your scared for your baby, you tell me. because of his father.

_and when the years are going by too fast_

_and he's growing up to fast_

_know his love for you will last_

_even when he doesn't say it to your face_

his father is a loser, a drug addict and a jerk. i've only met him once, but that was enough. you scared me, no terrified me, when you hung with him. i've had druggie friends, druggie boyfriends, but you? no, i couldn't let you. thank you god you finally saved yourself. a thought crosses my mind and i voice it nervously. you shake your head no, you hadn't been doing drugs then or after. breakup sex you tell me. i ask you why we didn't have any of that and you laugh again. i already know the answer. we were really in love and sex was more than sex. it was making love. and you can't make love when your in pain.

_even when you have to put him in his place_

_know that he's a love_

_that nothing in this world can ever replace_

the conversation turns back to your child as we dry off in my tiny bathroom. you are the least modest person i know and that is completley fine with me. you strip down and reach out to grab a towel. i'm watching and you know that i am. you grin at me and say something about how many times i've already seen you naked. i just shrug and smirk. it's always just as good, though rather forbidden now. we sit down at the beaten table in my kitchen and i start making coffee. you're chatting on about baby clothes and i smile. you and fashion. i glimpse the hospital papers next to the dishwasher and panic. subtly, i reach over and move them to next to the fridge, where you can't see them. another time.

i give you your coffee and you smile up at me. i grin back. your smile slowly fades and you glance down at your coffee. you have something to ask me, you tell me. go ahead, i encourage. you pause again for a moment, gathering strength for god knows what. i'm really scared now. i know that what's coming is important, because you almost never think about what your going to say to me before you say it. finally, you look up at me.

"Will you marry me?"

_i will be your light_

_i will be your night_

_i will be be that star in the sky who watchs over you_


End file.
